I knew that Richard’s death must count for thousands of lifetimes of growth to my soul. It had to be because his presence as the love of my life changed me and grew me into being the woman I am. It was a miracle to be loved so unconditionally and healed by that love.
Reflecting on the fertile ground that all suffering offers, these are the many ways my wisdom grew, and I wouldn’t want anyone to miss out on the incredible grace that follows difficult days as you open to your healing.
Sitting at my fireplace just hours after I received the call about Richard’s transition (death), I had a conversation with myself. I could see how I might deal with my loss. I could see both scenarios. One, where I would pull the covers up over my head and remain in bed. And, the other where I would stand in what I’d been given, and somehow, I would carry on. I had heard Richard say,
“The circumstances of life don’t make or break you they reveal who you are.”
Shortly after Randy Pausch received the news of his terminal cancer, he courageously made the most of his last year as he performed “The Last Lecture.” And it went viral on YouTube. Randy Pausch said, “It’s not the cards you’re dealt, it’s how you play the hand.”
I have come to realize, that as you embrace change rather than resist it you are evolving into something beautiful.
There’s only one question to ask when you are facing the big stuff: Can I change this? Of course, I knew I couldn’t change Richard’s death. I knew I had to surrender. But, surrender to what?
The “what” was not the fear. It was the feelings that would come through grief to heal me. It was grace that would show up in love.
Surrender, Trust , Accept, Release and Receive … a mantra that allowed me to let go; a mantra that allowed me to live amidst loss.
It’s not enough to survive our losses; we must choose to thrive.
Thriving is allowing your emotions to empty by being in the flow and allowing the waves of grief to come and go. Grief arrives to heal you. Feel to heal. You will be free as you release. I repeated to myself, “As I surrender, I shall receive a new life.”
The greatest lesson of all, “There’s nothing to do, but to be who you are.”
Wayne Dyer said, “When you are what you do, when you don’t—you aren’t.”
My inner wisdom recognizes that I am enough as I am and you are too: a statement of your true nature not attached to identity.
There is Ego annihilation: When we go through divorce or loss of a partner, or any other losses of identity—we die a death. The ego that identifies and is attached to what it means to be in that relationship-identity, coils like a snake in fear. It’s this fear that causes our wandering minds to retrieve all the data of denial which causes our suffering. I died a death when Richard died and as my identity was shattered, my authentic expression emerged … I felt more alive than I ever had—because I could feel all of it. Sorrow allowed me to know joy.
My husband’s death had ironically breathed new life into me. I had awakened and could hear the voice of my true nature whispering, “Hold on, dear one, hold on … there’s more to come.”
As I listened and I grew, I became the woman I was meant to be as I chose to LIVE. I am more present. I am sovereign as I live with greater meaning and purpose. I am living my most vibrant life, and as you go through loss and heartbreak, I hope to inspire you to live vibrantly, too. Hold on dear one–there’s more to come! So much more.
Hi Christine, What you shared today has meant so much to me and continues to
help me thru this road of grief and healing. My husband Warren passed away from
cancer in October and I have been struggling more the last few weeks.
Thank you so much for all your beautiful and caring thoughts and words.
I am so grateful. Love Kathy
Dear Kathy,
You are in the thick of it…hang in there. There is hope on the horizon..love, Kris
Hi Kris, loved waking up and reading this powerful message this morning. You are a awesome strong individual with so much wisdom to share for all that are in need. What a example you are to all. I’m so proud to call you my friend. I love you….❤️
Love you, my friend! xo
Thank you for sharing. Have a Blessed Day!
Welcome! xo
Kristine, Thank you for you words of wisdom and sharing your story. It brought comfort to me today and helped me get centered and back to peace. Four years I had my life (ego) stripped away in every area of my life: wife, mother, church, work. Then last year I rebounded from cancer and today learned it is back. Grieving all the roles, the dreams, the might have beens and learning to live life for me has been quite an adventure. I am more present, and living does take on whole different meaning. Now more opportunities for growth and self awareness. I hate that growth must come from pain and hardship.
Chrystine,
Thank you for your sharing..your candor…you courage. Much love to you and I hope you find brighter days ahead. Love, Kris
Thank you for this Kristine. I used to think it was great that the women in our family often live to around age 90, as I had so much to look forward to. Now three and a half decades seems like a long time to have to wait to die. Everywhere I turn I see our life together, as we’ve been together for 39 years. And I haven’t even made it all the way back to our home yet, as this happened when we were on an RV trip half way across the country. It’s only the 17th day since his sudden passing. Every thought and plan I had for my future was with him. I know my feelings are normal, and expect them to evolve. I will save your post to re-read and reflect on, as I believe it can be true. <3
Dear Denise,
You are at the very beginning of your journey…I completely understand how you feel. Much love to you–You’ll want to read my book: Heartbroken Open in a few months. xo Kris
Thank you Kristine. I found it on your website and am ordering it now so I will have it to look forward to when I make my way home. It looks like just the right thing to reassure me that I am not alone in these feelings, and to offer hope and inspiration for my future. Thank you for sharing your heart, as I believe it will help mine to heal.
Thank you for your beautifully hopeful words, Kristine. My husband died three weeks ago after a long illness. I thought I was prepared but there is no way to prepare for the absence of the one you love and have shared so dearly the past 34 years. I feel cracked wide open yet see my own strength shining through which was what my husband taught me. I feel so blessed to have known and been loved by such a wonderful generous man for so much of my life and will continue to carry his love with me into my future. Thank you for speaking of the beauty and gifts of grief and reminding me of the healing and spiritual deepening.
Dear Shari,
It’s not a welcome to a club that you want to belong to, the path of the widow. But, you’ve got this, and it will change you. I’m elated that you are experiencing the opening. Much love, my dear, on the journey. xo Kris
My son sent me your site and I often open the emails. After 40 years together, 3 years ago, I discovered my husband was cheating with a girl younger than our daughters. He married her shortly after I divorced him. I have more good than bad days, but the bad days are pretty bad. I feel betrayed that my kids have a relationship with his wife. In my eyes my grandkids are learning that she is good, and that cheating is ok…people might be mad for awhile, but, it’ll be ok. I think they could still see their father/grandfather without seeing her.
I cry, I still get mad, and I don’t think I’ll ever “get over it.” It’s not fair that he cheated and im the one that gets to die alone.
Dear Patty,
Loss is tough enough but betrayal makes it worse. There is so much reconciling and forgiveness that has to happen to release YOU from the grip of anger. Anger is inevitably only hurtful to YOU—so that’s the inner work. Allow your heart to fill up with more life–find out who you are at this stage and pursue your passion–pursue your own life and do your inner work. There’s nothing more to do but to let go–which is easier said than done. Love on the journey, Kris
Hi Kristine
I was very sad when your husband died. I always felt like I knew him, he wrote so well. My own husband died when he was 28 years old. That was 34 years ago last month.
I had 4 small children and they kept me so busy. But now is the time when I miss him more then ever. I don’t think that ever goes away. It is sad but at the same time I have such wonderful memories.
I really enjoyed reading this blog today. Thank you for sharing.
Grace
You are so welcome, Grace. I’m glad you’ve healed to a place of gratitude. We never stop missing them–but we get use to living without their physical presence. Love, Kris
Thank you Kristine for your words of encouragement. I lost my son (29) 12 weeks ago today. He was and is my youngest, so always my baby, no matter how old he was. We had a very special relationship as I raised both he and his sister (31) alone. I feel like half my heart is ripped from me. Half in heaven and half here. I also feels as Denise does. How many years do I have to endure this life before I get to see my son again? I feel so guilty because I want to be here to share all my daughter has to experience in life. I have a strong faith in God and believe that he will make the decision for my time to come to him, so no fear that I would hurt myself, but I do find myself dreading the next 20, 30 years without my son. His death was so sudden and unnecessary. He was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at age 23 and died of Diabetic Ketoacidosis at 29. He thought he had his sugars under control, but also had severe coronary artery disease. He was wrong on the control of his sugars and didn’t know about the heart problem. I trust God has his reasons for everything, but in the depts. of despair and depression, his reasons do not matter. I want my son back. I do not know how to continue living, I only exist. You message gives me hope, but I know I have such a long way to go before I actually feel blessed that I am here to live life.