What Is This Waking Me Up To?

I believe that all things that appear negative are not necessarily so. There is a message in the mess and a gift waiting to be presented. The unwrapping of wisdom. The moment of truth. A deeper awakening.

As you know from a recent blog post, I received news that my left breast has some abnormal calcification. Initially, I don’t move into fear around my health. Somehow, I know I will survive anything that I can fight. But, there is always fear in the unknown, and I did wake up in the morning and text my closest friends asking for their prayers of support.

What’s been aching in my heart is that deep down, in the unconscious, there may be some sort deep longing to be free—call it survivor’s guilt or moreover, a longing to return Home to be with Richard. Now, I want to be clear with you about one thing, I am by no means suicidal. I am waking up to what I might be creating subconsciously as I ask what this could be that has taken form in the calcification in the breast tissue, by no accident, around my heart.

It doesn’t escape me that it is my left breast and my right one is clear.

I look to my body for information in the same way I look to my moods for information about my thoughts. It is a way for me to become more conscious and bring forward that which is hidden and asleep.

I ask myself: Could it be that my body is attempting to create a barrier to protect my broken open heart?

As I journal, I ask the Divine, “What do you want me to wake up to?” and God replies, “Wake up to the real gift, and that’s choosing your life.”

“Let go of the longing to be where Richard is and replace it with the longing to be connected more deeply to the divine as a conduit of love on the earth to serve many.”

I am meant to stay. It is my deepest desire to live awake.

I’ll repeat: There is always a message in the mess. This is my deepest belief. This is the one that I ache to know and find in what appears to be negative but is not at all. It is the root of a new beginning and a shift into what’s possible. It is shifting me into greater passion and purpose.

There’s only one question to ask in the face of a challenge: What has this shown up to awaken me to?

My breast cancer scare allowed me the opportunity to wake up to choosing more and to live my most vibrant life–yet.