A Journey Without You, A Letter to My Husband

journey, journey without you, grief, grieving
Living The Big Stuff

A Journey Without You, A Letter to My Husband

My Dearest Richard – it is December 13th… I am in awe that it’s been ten years on this journey without you.

I mean, not really without you, because I carry you–or, you carry me– every day. I often feel you walking beside me, or next to me as I’m writing. I sense your presence from your side of our bed.

The one thing I realized very early on is that our love connects us. We are but two sparks of the same flame. I’ve understood that death is only separation from human form. It is our love that continues beyond.

Even so, it has been a journey, and somehow this tenth anniversary marks a feeling of completion for me. When you first transitioned, I felt so incomplete—so shattered. Our perfect world had crumbled and the rug was pulled out from under us. It took a long time for me to find the floor. But once I did, my feet started running.

I don’t miss you any less, but I have learned to live my life without your physical presence. I still miss you, my love, and often close my eyes or slip into a reverie where I call in that old familiar feeling of safety that you gave me. I could always land with you in a nest of unconditional love.

In my lows, I call on you to assist me and guide me in what to do. I know what you would say and how you would think in a situation. You are pure light now, and you infuse me every day.

We were great together, and I learned so much from you about how to live a happy life. The beauty is, our relationship continues on.

The lessons and gifts I’ve received over the years through this journey of healing and growth have shown me how to be strong and step into all things with courage. I’ve truly learned how to lean into my greatest fears–and not too much scares me anymore.

I’ve always remembered the early message in the mess that came from your words: “Your circumstances don’t make or break you, but rather, reveal who you are. And, the beauty of the human spirit is we can take our greatest tragedy and allow it to move us forward, adding greater meaning to our lives.” These words elevated me from the trenches of despair and out of the tragedy of our story.

I’m not sure what my life would be like with you at my side, in form—probably stable and sure-footed—not so craggy a road with as many twists and turns with opportunists who were villains along the way. But, I have leaned into those lessons too, as “discernment” was critical for me to learn. You held my space to become a truly feminine woman and now, I’ve had to integrate the masculine qualities too.

I am feeling whole and complete in ways I never imagined. I am strong, competent, and confident with deep wisdom that has been well-earned by my intense life experience. I am a sovereign woman now. My life has unfolded–not without its share of drama–but I have arrived safely from all of my initiations and the situations that arise with chaos.

I am so grateful for all that you gave me in our lives together in love, and I am so grateful for this journey of healing, as well.

You have been my Master teacher, my love. You are my twin flame and I always feel you fanning the fire within me—to carry on.

We are celebrating twenty years of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff this year… Can you even believe that? Twenty years—30 million books—well over one hundred million readers. That’s crazy!

I can feel you jumping with joy! You loved your work, and your work lives on. Your words still touch millions of lives and will continue to comfort and reassure people that all will be well and life isn’t so scary.

We have three grandchildren and a fourth on the way. Oh, how I wish you could have held them and played with them. It is such a joy, and I love being a Nana! Someday, they will read your books and know you too. Caden, the oldest now 7, recently saved your photo to his desktop on his ipad. It melted my heart to see your happy face smiling back at him.

Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies—I know that now. But the things I am now certain of are:

Change is hard but necessary. Growth means maximizing our human potential even amidst adversity. Being present is the key. Gratitude is what it means to live in joy. And most importantly…

Love never dies.

Love transcends the boundaries of time and space.

Love lasts forever; indeed, it does.

I will always celebrate your life. I will always honor you with mine.

Thank you with all my heart for the gifts of you. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

I love you,

journey, journey without you, grief, grieving