Live, Love, Let GoNov 05, 2015 2021-05-04 21:12
Live, Love, Let Go
Live, Love, Let Go
Buddha said, “There are three things that matter most: How much you loved, how gratefully you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
Sometimes, there’s a voice that says, “Kris, ENOUGH already. Aren’t you done with that story? Isn’t it time to really open yourself to a new life partner?”
And then, it is followed by a gentle, more compassionate whisper of my soul: “This is no race. It’s an onion with many layers, and a healing journey. Just be in it. Just allow it to roll and be as it is. Allow it to polish your soul.”
As a widow, I’ve had my lovers over the years. I’ve tried to make a relationship work. And, while there was great love and passion, it was more work for both of us than anything else. I had to accept that he wasn’t fully available to be all the way in, and I have to admit that, on some level, I wasn’t either. In this way, we were a loving match. And, we healed in the time we shared. In time, though, our expectations of relationship were no longer a match—and that made it very difficult for both of us. It’s time to gently let go of being lovers and allow a new friendship to form. I learned a lot, my friends remind me—those confusing things that had escaped me in my youth.
My relationship with Richard was ease and grace—not work. We didn’t sweat the small stuff–in LOVE. It was playful and creative, and igniting because we were both in it fully and presently and in partnership. We had true intimacy and shared values. We are twin flames, and I now know with certainty that love transcends all boundaries of time and space.
Love– is the one thing that is forever.
Every once in awhile you see an older couple that is just in sync. They move in life as one, and it’s beautiful to see how they’ve merged into a life together. Maybe, they’ve been married and divorced and remarried. Or, maybe, they’ve never had to let go of each other—yet.
I often wonder if I’ll have the courage to open to that kind of love again. I hope so.
Meanwhile, I live happily sovereign but not alone.
I’m enjoying life, and I walk the road of remembrance too.
This time of year is a season of transition, and I am reminded of our (mine and Richard’s) season of transition nearly nine years ago.
I remember the moment I felt desperate and in fear that Richard’s spirit had opened to leaving the earth. He had been in chronic back pain for over a year with a crushed lower lumbar spine—gratus of his BIG serve in his tennis days. On the days he could walk, he did so bent over from the waist. In late October, we canceled a weekend getaway as he lay in so much pain, even still, tears streamed down his cheeks. He looked at me and said: “I don’t think I can do this any more.” I panicked and lay down at the side of his bed, holding his palm to my lips and told him to hang on. I would do what it would take to get him in for some cortisone injections, and I began to call doctors on a holiday weekend. He had nine epidural shots on Monday, and it took the edge off. He started heating our pool and swimming for exercise. He felt better.
And three months later, he discarded a body that no longer fit the great man that he was and could no longer be the container of such light, and died from a pulmonary embolism while on a flight to New York.
And, on December 13, 2006, our lives–mine and the girls–began the unyielding cycle of “letting go.”
Yes, I’ve loved again. Loving another is a bit like having children. You don’t think you can love another child as much as your first one. Then, the second one arrives as a totally unique person and you love that child just as much.
I’ve lived and learned a lot more about relationship these past years, about what it means to transition out of loss and into love that heals. There is no wrong choice in love. Only choosing what’s right for your growth at the time. And, sometimes love chooses us.
And, now, I find I’m in the process of letting go, again—gratefully and gracefully letting go of what is not meant for me and opening to what is.
“Live, love, and let go” is a mantra for awakening your most vibrant life yet; it certainly continues to awaken mine.