Online Dating | Match.com or Match.bomb? An Interview with a Modern Day Widow

As you warm up to the idea of dating, you boot up your computer (perhaps just a little reticent), and start to “ask” Google to search and show you what’s available in the online dating world. You begin to find that there are free sites and paid ones; there are Christian sites and Jewish ones, too, that promise the possibility of love and connection. The first step is to go ahead and peruse the sites you like just as you would to choose a venue for an event. I personally have never online dated but I would look around and investigate the catalogue carefully that may represent me. And, as the old adage goes “you get what you pay for,” may hold true in the online dating world, but there are plenty of places to check out that are free too. There are some happy endings, others, not so much. So I’ll share what my circle has experienced to help you go “online dating” with the right expectations…

One winter night, I was waiting in a restaurant for my date to arrive and I said hello to the woman who was sitting to my right. She was a vintner from Napa who had brought some wines to taste test with the restaurant as she was grabbing a bite to eat. We began a light conversation and she told me she had been widowed a few years earlier. I told her that I was also a widow and an instant bond was formed that comes through shared knowing and experience. She asked me if I had started dating and I explained that I was waiting for my date now. She began telling me that she was having a difficult time dating at 54. She said her daughter had put a profile up for her on Match.com and then she told me five hilarious stories about her experiences. After her ventures, she decided to retire from online dating after striking out five out of five times. Mostly, she felt that the men that she met were dishonest about a few things. More times than not, the candidate did not have a current picture representing himself. The second thing that she found most dishonest was that of his employment status.

Good to know! Is it really Match.com or Match.bomb? There are just as many success stories as there are bombs.

In contrast to my vintner friend, my friend Mary has had a lot of fun and success with online dating. Mary is one of the first widows I ‘mid-wifed’ through heartbreak. I met her just a few months after Roger died. She was in that shocked, emotionally trembling place when I said, “So good to meet you, and I’m sorry to welcome you to this club, but here we are.” We became fast friends and she is one of the first women I mentored through a process of transformation and change as she healed. She courageously stepped into a path of healing and starting over. A big part of letting go is being able to open yourself up to the journey of change that includes dating. Mary, sixteen years recovered from alcoholism, decided to go online to meet new people because other social avenues were not conducive to supporting her lifestyle. Here’s how she did it… She had close to 40 meet and greets before she met her current man online with whom she has entered into a committed relationship with for about a year now.

Here are some of the questions I asked Mary in regards to online dating:

Q: Mary, when you decided to do online dating date, how did you feel about it?
A: I found it to be a smorgasbord. I had fun with it!

Q: What can I expect when I begin this selection process?
A: There are tons of emails. Women are more in control of the situation once a man has taken the initiative to reach out. I allow them to approach me first, then I respond. There’s a period of flirtation; I have fun with it and keep my expectations of an outcome low.

Q: What’s your favorite website?
A: I like fishing! Plentyoffish.com is a national website that is free.

Q: What’s your best advice once you start fishing?
A: It’s a numbers game. You have to swim with a lot of fish before you hook some. Think of it like bating. You want to get a meet and greet coffee date with the ones you like. That’s all. Be excited at the possibility of meeting someone new in your area.

Here are Mary’s online dating pointers for you to consider:

1. Be truthful in your profile; there’s no back peddling later when you are honest and upfront.

2. Keep it short and sweet; a teaser so to speak!

3. Post your most flattering recent pics.

4. Cut through the B.S. and be straightforward.

5. Set up a meet and greet soon because you don’t want to make up unrealistic expectations of the person that you’re flirting with. He isn’t, after all, a fantasy guy.

6. Meet and greet over coffee. It’s short and sweet and sober. An hour in the afternoon will do! (Mary works full time and would do two to three on a Saturday.)

7. Be clear about what you want and what kind of relationship you want. Here’s a few to consider:

• A good time or formally known as a “booty call.”
• “Friends with benefits”…most risky because one of you will likely develop deeper feelings placing your friendship at risk.
• Long-term relationship…don’t compromise with yourself if you are looking for fun. That’s great but be honest with yourself.

8. Be sensitive and safe. Meet in a neutral place. Don’t give too much information about yourself to preserve your anonymity, specifically your address.

9. Keep your expectations low. Don’t get discouraged by taking rejection personally.

10. Be yourself.

11. Don’t be desperate.

12. Have fun with it.

13. Remember: It’s a numbers game…Mary dated 40 people over a couple of years online before she met a man that she wanted to have a real relationship with.

14. Trust your gut feelings. If you get a bad feeling…listen to it!

Online dating is the new avenue that gives you many options and there are good men online. One thing to consider though is that as a widow you may be more vulnerable than other people “out there” and you will likely be far more transparent. Remember that other people are not. They may not be open or honest about their marital status, income, family… lots of things. All important things to keep in mind as you get out of your comfort zone and journey into an unknown world but holding possibility nonetheless. Good luck… and please do report how your on-line dating is matching up.

~ Kris Carlson