Woman to Woman Series:

When is the right time to begin dating after the loss of a partner or spouse? No one can answer this question for you. However, there are a few preceding questions that will help you know if you are ready to begin dating and what kind of relationship you want.

Before jumping into a committed relationship you need to ask yourself a few questions.

1. Am I complete in my grief?

   While you may be yearning for male companionship, I encourage women not to enter into a fully committed relationship until they are feeling less broken and more whole. When you are broken, you are vulnerable and raw. You are open and longing. What you may need, more than anything, is a healing companion that helps you explore your intimacy needs while offering you companionship and care.

   This doesn’t always translate into partnership and marriage, and most likely, it’s not time for that yet. It’s interesting that most men marry within three years after losing a spouse, but widows stay unmarried for five to fifteen years. There is wisdom in waiting.

2. Have I lived sovereign long enough to understand the deep value in this time period of learning how to be on my own versus living in partnership?

   If you haven’t seen the movie Queen Elizabeth, I highly recommend you do. She is the Queen of sovereignty and shows us the strength of a woman on her own. She has her lover, but she remains independent and unmarried allowing her to serve her domain in a totally committed way. This time period you are in allows you to develop the most important relationship you have and that’s the one you have with yourself. Marriage and partnership is wonderful but so is this time that you have to evaluate life with well-earned wisdom and the freedom of sovereignty.

3. Am I afraid of being alone?

   The fear of being alone is the number one fear for all of us, and we can alter our agreement with reality very quickly when we are in pain. Allowing yourself to move through the fear is really critical to your relationship with yourself and your future relationship with a partner. Fear, more than anything, causes confusion. And, when we are confused we will make decisions that don’t make sense and compromises that are not in integrity with who we really are. Your biggest hoop of fire to jump through is moving through this fear and asking yourself not to date and choose partnership until you have reconstructed a new relationship to being alone. Remember that you are never truly alone because you have yourself. Once this fear has passed, then, you are all clear to open yourself to real love again. We are creatures that crave relationship and intimacy and you will attract the right person at the right time the more whole and complete you are.

Kris Carlson